{"id":17132,"date":"2019-11-27T16:05:25","date_gmt":"2019-11-27T21:05:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/?p=17132"},"modified":"2020-01-02T13:18:47","modified_gmt":"2020-01-02T18:18:47","slug":"holiday-punch-lines","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/holiday-punch-lines\/","title":{"rendered":"Holiday Punch Lines"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none; width: 100%; height: 450px;\" src=\"\/\/e.issuu.com\/embed.html?backgroundColor=%23d2d2d2&amp;backgroundColorFullscreen=%23d2d2d2&amp;d=dec19_flipbook_for_web&amp;hideIssuuLogo=true&amp;pageNumber=22&amp;u=portlandmagazine\" width=\"300\" height=\"150\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<h1 class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Local stand-up comics offer New Year\u2019s tips for the <b>Forest City<\/b>.<\/span><\/h1>\n<p class=\"p1\">December 2019<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><em>By Sofia Voltin<\/em><\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-17146\" src=\"http:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/DEC19-After-Dark-188x300.jpg\" alt=\"Portland, Maine, USA downtown cityscape.\" width=\"188\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/DEC19-After-Dark-188x300.jpg 188w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/DEC19-After-Dark-200x320.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/DEC19-After-Dark-219x350.jpg 219w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/DEC19-After-Dark.jpg 250w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 188px) 100vw, 188px\" \/><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">It\u2019s when we\u2019re struggling to squeeze into our jeans (which fit perfectly back in September) that we start to ponder our New Year\u2019s resolutions. Get ready for the Roaring Twenties, Part II. As we usher in a new decade, what goals should we set for our little city? Our very own local comedians have volunteered to weigh in on the matter and suggest these New Year\u2019s resolutions for Portland:<\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cBring back the characters<b>.<\/b> Portland in the mid-1980s was home to eccentrics: salty mavericks and sea-worn artists slinking up and down the city streets. Up until a few years ago, you could still find the dank weirdness hidden among coffee shops, dives, or in the shadows of <strong>Congress Square Park<\/strong>. Today, Portland\u2019s overflowing with fifteen-dollar trash bags, rental rates that would make the Monopoly man blush, and local eateries sporting menus priced like the food\u2019s made of gold and cocaine. Our weirdos can\u2019t afford to live here. Portland feels like living in a newly printed Lands End catalog. Let\u2019s support our weirdos. Go see a local comedy show, support a friend\u2019s band, and buy weird stuff during the <strong>First Friday Art Walk<\/strong>. Uplift your local characters\u2014they\u2019re the ones making the art.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">\u2014Ian Stuart<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p6\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>86 THE SPACESHIPS<\/strong><b><br \/>\n<\/b><\/span><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m going to eat fewer French fries, even though they just keep getting better in this town. And really, all I\u2019m doing is supporting a Maine industry.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m going to be nice to the new Mayor. She seems great, and it\u2019s who the voters brought home. If they love her, then that\u2019s all that matters.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m not going to expand upward too high into the skyline. I\u2019m going to try really hard to make sure that the new condos look like normal buildings and not spaceships.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">No more new breweries. I need to learn to be happy with what I\u2019ve got.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m not going to close any major arteries this year like Preble, Washington, Woodfords\u2014oh, who am I kidding? That\u2019s just ridiculous. Of course I am. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><em><span class=\"s1\">Sincerely, Portland.<br \/>\n<\/span><\/em><span class=\"s1\">\u2014<b>Anders J. Nielson<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p6\"><span class=\"s1\"><strong>FOR THE BIRDS<\/strong><b><br \/>\n<\/b><\/span><span class=\"s1\">\u201cPortland, it should be mandatory for you to have a microbrewery on every street corner. And start posting \u2018no-fly zone\u2019 signs for the seagulls on<br \/>\nCommercial Street.\u201d<br \/>\n<\/span><strong><span class=\"s1\">\u2014Tammy Pooler<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"p4\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cPortland, open at least three to four more satellite pizza joints and allow parking on top of other vehicles to solve the parking problems. Bonus\u2014this will make it easier to get a slice. While we\u2019re at it, allow cruise ships to park on the streets for easier access for the people on-board to get a slice of pizza when they\u2019re tired of cruise ship food. Come on Portland, we can do this!\u201d<br \/>\n<\/span><strong><span class=\"s1\">\u2014Johnny (Friggin!) Ater<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Local comedians assign New Year&#8217;s Resolutions for Portland.<br \/>\nBy Sofia Voltin <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":17221,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[324,611,193,608,610,607,609],"class_list":["post-17132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","tag-after-dark","tag-anders-j-nielson","tag-comedians","tag-ian-stuart","tag-johnny-ater","tag-new-years-resolutions","tag-tammy-pooler"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17132"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17274,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17132\/revisions\/17274"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}