{"id":20522,"date":"2021-09-30T11:16:31","date_gmt":"2021-09-30T15:16:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/?p=20522"},"modified":"2021-09-30T11:16:31","modified_gmt":"2021-09-30T15:16:31","slug":"raw-deal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/raw-deal\/","title":{"rendered":"Raw Deal"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"position: relative; padding-top: max(60%,326px); height: 0; width: 100%;\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"position: absolute; border: none; width: 100%; height: 100%; left: 0; right: 0; top: 0; bottom: 0;\" src=\"https:\/\/e.issuu.com\/embed.html?backgroundColor=%23e6e6e6&amp;d=portland_monthly_magazine_october_2021&amp;hideIssuuLogo=true&amp;pageNumber=90&amp;u=portlandmagazine\" width=\"300\" height=\"150\" sandbox=\"allow-top-navigation allow-top-navigation-by-user-activation allow-downloads allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-popups allow-modals allow-popups-to-escape-sandbox\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/div>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">By Butch Mockler<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">The real estate agent was wearing the wrong shoes. She stood on the muddy, craggy path in a pair of open-toed wedges. The man she was showing the property to stood looking around in appropriate footwear. He didn\u2019t own any footwear that wouldn\u2019t have been appropriate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cSo as you can see, it\u2019s a totally raw piece of land. There\u2019s seven and a half acres. There\u2019s a hundred feet of road frontage, and the back of the property abuts a nature preserve. The neighboring properties do have homes on them, but they\u2019re set back a ways, so it\u2019s a very private parcel.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The man stood silently. \u201cIt\u2019s a beautiful piece of land,\u201d he finally said. \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2026um, what can you tell me about this thing?\u201d He pointed behind her at the thirty-foot-diameter silver orb that hovered silently ten feet above the ground in a clearing in the pines.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">She turned around. \u201cOh.\u201d She looked in her folder. \u201cYes, so apparently there is an interdimensional portal on the property.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cOk\u2026what does that mean? Does this thing come with the property?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The orb shot straight up in the air at an impossible speed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cHow often does <i>that<\/i> happen?\u201d \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Before the agent could answer, another object appeared suddenly and silently, this one shaped like a giant spearhead pointed up to the sky.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cAnother one?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The agent checked the folder again. \u201cIt says here that the seller has been hunting this property since he was a kid, and the portal has been here as long as he can remember. Sometimes he doesn\u2019t see anything for years, and sometimes it\u2019s one right after the other. He says right now is a busy time. He hasn\u2019t seen it this busy since the Iran-Contra Affair.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The spearhead shot into the air, and a second later a giant set of metal breasts appeared. They spun around incredibly fast for a second, stopped as suddenly as they had started, and disappeared.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cThere\u2019s great soil here. Great to build on, and a great perc test.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cOk, that\u2019s great, but I\u2019m a little concerned about this portal. Has it been tested? I mean, is there radiation or something I need to worry about? I\u2019ve got kids. What if one of them wanders into the portal zone when one of these things appears? Does my kid explode? Does he get transported to the Andromeda Galaxy?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">She checked the folder. \u201cSo they\u2019ve had the portal tested, and there are no toxic fumes, chemicals, or radiation associated with the portal.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">A giant metal acorn appeared, spun around, then shot upwards.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\">&#8220;Doesn\u2019t say anything about what happens if someone\u2019s standing in the portal. Maybe you can build a fence around it, just to be safe.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cWell, what about the government? I don\u2019t want the NSA finding out about this and kicking me off the property so they can study it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">She scanned the folder. \u201cThey know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cThey know?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cThey\u2019ve been here, they\u2019ve checked it out.\u201d She shrugged. \u201cThey know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cHow doesn\u2019t the whole world know about this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cThis is Maine. A lot of stuff happens here that the whole world doesn\u2019t know about.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">The man thought for a second. \u201cHow much are they asking?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201c$149,000.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cYou think I could get \u2019em down to $130K because of the whole portal thing?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">\u201cLet\u2019s go in at $125K. I\u2019ll get the paperwork started.\u201d The agent closed the folder and searched for a foothold with her wedge.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-large wp-image-20523\" src=\"http:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-1024x538.jpg\" alt=\"OCT21 last words\" width=\"1024\" height=\"538\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-1024x538.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-300x158.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-768x403.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-200x105.jpg 200w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words-620x326.jpg 620w, https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/OCT21-last-words.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>New fiction by Butch Mockler<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":20524,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[112],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20522","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20522"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20522\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20552,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20522\/revisions\/20552"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/20524"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20522"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20522"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20522"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}