![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.portlandmonthly.com\/portmag\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/11\/guitargirl.jpg\" "\\"guitargirl\\"")
<\/a>“<\/strong>When you say \u2018autism\u2019\u2013for anybody who grew up in the time of Rain Man<\/em>\u2013that\u2019s what you think of. That\u2019s what it looks like. Well, it really doesn\u2019t look<\/em> like anything. I mean, it looks like me, too.\u201d<\/p>\nRegina Lucchese of Portland is no Rain Main. She\u2019s sharp, good-humored, and driven. And she\u2019s cute! Growing up, she says, \u201cI was a gifted child. When I got my diagnosis, my parents were like, \u2018That can\u2019t be it. Look at everything you can do!\u2019\u201d The teacher, choir director, recording engineer, and professional musician was, until April of this year, one of possibly millions of American adults living undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. \u201cBesides my B.A. in elementary education, I have a degree in medical transcription,\u201d she adds. \u201cWriting music, though, that\u2019s the one thing I just know<\/em>\u2013I\u2019m supposed to do something with it.\u201d<\/p>\n Regina\u2019s diagnosis is high-functioning Asperger\u2019s syndrome. Identifying Asperger\u2019s and autism is a complex process, but \u201cAspies,\u201d as she lovingly self-identifies, are often characterized by a difference in social behavior. \u201cPeople with Asperger\u2019s often look and act younger than they are,\u201d she explains. \u201cIt\u2019s like being caught in a teenage limbo. I don\u2019t understand what it means to \u2018act my age.\u2019 Like sitting around with a bunch of soccer moms? You just put me in a foreign country where I don\u2019t speak the language.\u201d Social niceties like small-talk don\u2019t appeal to Regina.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople with Asperger\u2019s are built to be codebreakers. I focus on details more than the big picture. That kind of chatter-talk, it\u2019s everywhere, and it can be really overwhelming.\u201d When Regina worked as a teacher, she would spend her lunchtime outside reading a book instead of in the teachers\u2019 lounge with her co-workers. \u201cPeople didn\u2019t understand why. And this was before I had a diagnosis\u2013I just didn\u2019t have the language to explain that the chatter-talk was just over-stimulating. Everyone just thought, \u2018Oh, she\u2019s too good to eat lunch with us.\u2019 But really, I just couldn\u2019t sit there with so much going on.\u201d<\/p>\n Social living is a little easier for Regina now that she can explain what she doesn\u2019t understand and why. Some things, however, will never be easy. \u201cI don\u2019t know how to perceive if people are trying to be friendly or have bad intentions. It\u2019s harder to determine who the genuine people are\u2013I just don\u2019t read between the lines. That\u2019s been one of my biggest challenges: making and keeping friends.\u201d<\/p>\n Her entire life, Regina bounced between social circles, mostly, she speculates, because of her \u201cquirks.\u201d \u201cI have hyper-sensitivity to sounds, smells, and textures. In high school, I developed a clothing style based on comfort. I didn\u2019t relate to looking cool, wearing jeans. I would wear these long, flowered dresses. It never occurred to me that I didn\u2019t look cool. I mean, we weren\u2019t well-off, but I lived in a wealthy area in New Jersey. There were kids who drove to school in Porsches. Bon Jovi\u2019s brother went there, and I looked like something that emerged from Little House on the Prairie<\/em>. Popular boys would ask me out but tell me to keep it a secret.\u201d<\/p>\n People on the spectrum come up with ways to deal with the social alienation. Regina\u2019s coping mechanism helped with her work in theater. \u201cIt takes an incredible amount of energy to be the character who everybody loves and finds acceptable. I had bulimia when I was eight years old. You\u2019re just trying to be perfect while internally your life feels out of control. All of my eccentricities were chalked up to being a \u2018gifted child.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n The spectrum is full of uncharted darkness. \u201cIt\u2019s not always the triumphant world of autism that is publicized like in Lifetime movies.\u201d And it gets worse with misdiagnosis or a complete lack of diagnosis. \u201cThere is a lot of substance abuse on the spectrum. The world just misunderstands you so much, and you are socially and sensorially overwhelmed. Everyday existence is just full of this incredible level of anxiety and tension that people try to self-medicate and fix.\u201d Regina believes that through diagnosis people can get some relief. \u201cJust being able to say, \u2018Hey, I have Asperger\u2019s syndrome. I don\u2019t always get how to be a grown-up, but I get how to compose music and dance,\u2019\u201d alleviates some of the stress.<\/p>\n High-functioning Aspies are everywhere. It is speculated that Mozart, Emily Dickinson, Mark Twain, Jim Henson, and Regina\u2019s favorite, Michael Jackson, were all members of the club. \u201cI truly believe he was a kind-hearted person who didn\u2019t understand how to be an adult. It\u2019s not that we don\u2019t want to grow up; we just don\u2019t always fit adult life. I don\u2019t think Michael Jackson was ever diagnosed in his lifetime\u2013but it really explains the Peter Pan syndrome. At the same time, his Asperger\u2019s is what made him such an incredible performer.\u201d Regina and Michael both share an unusual drive and a knack for character performance. \u201cI composed for the school musical in fourth grade, and I wasn\u2019t considered as nerdy as I felt because I was able to express myself in a way that showed confidence. When Michael Jackson was on stage, he knew exactly who he was.\u201d<\/p>\n Regina and Michael aren\u2019t the only professional performers on the spectrum\u2013even in Portland. \u201cI know there are other people like me. Letting people know that I\u2019m a musician who is an open Aspie was my door to walk through.\u201d And it isn\u2019t easy. She feels the stigma that surrounds the spectrum and knows the fear that inhibits her \u201ccloset Aspie\u201d colleagues. \u201cI have met another musician whom I recognized immediately as an Aspie. I was excited, and I said, \u2018Hey, I have Asperger\u2019s, too!\u2019 He just looked at me like I was crazy.\u201d<\/p>\n Despite the struggle to gain acceptance, Regina remains hopeful about the public\u2019s perception of others like her. \u201cWe don\u2019t need to feel like we\u2019re living on the wrong planet. That\u2019s why it\u2019s so important to raise awareness. Others do have the compassion to understand differences. It\u2019s not bad, it just is. It\u2019s about decreasing judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n